After my second daughter was born five months ago, my neighbors were in awe. We seemed to have adjusted well. My five year old was doing fine. And we worked out a tag team combo that allowed us to get some sleep. On the outside it seemed like all was more than well.

But…things are rarely what they seem.

February storm: our backyard

Fighting Baby Blues

It was the dead of winter in New England and I was on leave from work. The endless cold dark days trapped inside with an infant were beginning to take their toll. I needed to move, I needed to sweat.

I haven’t belonged to a gym for 15 years but I love to work out at home or outside. This year though, the combination of  heavy snow, frigid temps, and an infant made me a prisioner in my own home.

Frustrated with the repetition of uncooperative weather, I decided to use my house as a gym. I turned on the microwave timer, turned up the tunes and began running stairs. I started in my basement, baby cradled in my arms, and climbed all the way to the second floor. I took it slow at first and then sped things up. My goal was to sweat and be left breathing heavily. It worked! I can’t tell you what a difference it made to lift my spirits. And I slept more deeply!

10 quick ideas to combat the blues:

1. Get outside, if weather permits. Sunshine, fresh air and vitamin D are all a huge boost for mental state.
2. Steal time. Your baby may not be sleeping much, so squeeze in a workout while he or she is awake. Incorporate it into your day. Five minutes here and there can make all the difference. Try it.
3. Keep weights and workout equipment around. Use them with this short workout.
4. Do walking lunges while carrying your baby. My baby loved this one. When she got too heavy I switched to a medicine ball or a hand weight.
   

   One way to keep them entertained

5. Bookmark some short workouts on youTube. There are millions and they’re FREE. This one is just 2 minutes but you will feel it.
6. Get creative about entertaining your baby.   I make sure my daughter can see me, so I’m usually just 2-5 feet away. I look at her, make faces, and she usually enjoys my workout theatrics.
7.  Walk on the treadmill, if you’re lucky enough to have one. Even if your baby is fussy, you can usually wear him/her and the movement may lull them to sleep while you burn some energy and get an adrenaline boost.
8. Exchange a cat nap for a short workout. Most days I thought a nap was all I needed to regain my sense of self again, and then I’d be on edge when my baby didn’t sleep. Sound familiar? Push yourself to try a quick 5-10 minute workout if you’re not able to nap. It will boost your energy level and you’ll sleep better at night.
9. Drop to the floor and stretch. Get down on the floor with your little one and do some some stretching. While you’re at it, add in some crunches, push-ups, pilates or yoga moves. Simple stretching and weight bearing movement combined with deep breathing feels wonderful when you’re tired.
10. Do standing squats. You can do these anywhere, with or without your baby in hand. They feel incredible. Here’s a quick video to check out.

If you’re reading this and thinking these ideas are nuts, because you’re too tired or you don’t have enough time, I hear you. Believe me, I’ve been there.  The old adage, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” certainly applies here. So go for it mama!

Workouts I Enjoy

“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”

-Ranier Maria Rilke

strained marriage. image via http://thereallifeadvice.com

When I read this quote from the tattered pages of a tiny little book my mom gave me long ago, it struck a chord. What is it about love, the simple act of love, that makes it so complicated and yet so simple all at the same time? You find someone to connect with, you “fall in love”, and then life happens: having children, buying a home, making ends meet, working, evolving your career, your education, all those things. But somewhere along the way you realize that this evolution, or the seeking, is really because something is missing. And maybe you knew it all along, but suddenly it’s staring you straight in the face because nothing, nothing, seems to be working. It all feels so tense, you’re constantly walking on egg shells and questioning your self worth.

Where is the love? You ask yourself. You look around and there is this person in the room with you right over there, sharing this life with you, sharing a bed with you. But There are no sweet little gestures. No shared glances. No soft embrace. So what is this union? Why are you even together? These are the hard questions we ask ourselves over and over again yet never utter aloud to the other person.

And then, because you’ve tried so hard to avoid saying these words for so long, one day it pops out out of nowhere like a jack-in-the-box. And hits like a grenade falling from the sky hurled with all of the intense energy and will of someone defying the simple truth.

On this day, you didn’t set out to harm another, not even this person you’re sharing a questionable life with. But the deep pain and longing for something more, and the defiance and unwillingness to accept a life without deeper meaning, trumps the will to hold it back yet another day, yet another minute. All of what you have explodes before your eyes. And the force of the words uttered is so powerful that it threatens to take down all of what you’ve built. Everything is stripped down and raw; your life exposed for what it is. And you realize that all of this could be gone. Poof.

So, as terrible as this life may feel today, sticking with it and trying to find a way to make it feel more meaningful to you on the daily basis may be the only way to go. Because giving up all of this would also mean creating a new life where you’re still bound to this other person and yet truly going it alone without any of the perks of a partnership.

Do you hate this person? Or do you not know them at all, and wish that you did? There’s a big difference. Discerning where you are in your relationship is as hard as anything in life. Because only you know where you are, what you have, what you don’t have, what you want, and what you’re unable to get because you are unwilling to risk the reaction, explosion, or flat out rejection of your needs. Learning to withdraw to protect yourself or finding other ways to fill that void seems like the smartest way to go, or the least risky. But you’re never addressing the real problem. Which brings me to my next quote.

“There is always something left to love. And if you ain’t learned that, you ain’t learned nothing.”
-Lorraine Hansberry (1930–1965) American playwright

Good Boss, Bad Boss: How to be the Best...and learn from the worst

This is a follow up to another post: Do You Bring out the Worst in People? I heard about this book from a Stanford talk that was podcast a couple of months ago. I decided to check out the book,  it’s worth a look: Good Boss, Bad Boss: How to Be the Best… and Learn from the Worst. Whether you decide to read it or not, here are few interesting points I gleaned from the talk the author gave at Stanford.

The “Toxic Tandem”

…there’s something about being the boss where people tend to now pay much attention to their employees.

The people who you lead watch your every move.
You will get more blame and more credit for organizational performance.

Leaders are responsible for about 15% of what’s accomplished and they get 50% of the blame or credit. So they get more of both than they deserve. The best bosses work hard to see how people are attuned to them.

1. Focus on their own needs.
2. Focus less on the needs of others.
3. Act as though the rules don’t apply to them.

To be a good boss

Be perfectly assertive: can be pushy, can get into people’s face when necessary, can give negative feedback and back off when necessary.

1. Management that’s too intrusive stifles creativity.
2. You don’t plant a seed and dig it up every day to see how it’s doing. You leave it alone for the most part.
3. Let people do their work and their jobs.
4. We want confident, competent, but not arrogant pig headed bosses who can’t take feedback.
5. Humility to update when the time comes a long.
6. Bosses need to be able to hear feedback and act on it.
7. Wisdom and management requires listening. Hear the truth and people can tell them the truth. Most give an incentive NOT to tell you the truth. They flatter to get ahead. Anyone who tells bad news we like less.
8. Fight as if you’re right; listen as if you’re wrong.
9. Powerful people arrive late and end meetings late – they draw things out to feel important.
10. Protect their people from idiocy form on high

One of my favorites is “protecting your people from idiocy from on high.” If you’re lucky enough to have a boss who does that than you are lucky indeed. Most bosses I’ve worked with don’t have the vision to see the B.S. nonsense from the real issues. Or they see it but don’t have the intestinal fortitude to block this nonsense from affecting their employees.

Katherine at 5 years old

I discovered yesterday that she’s “afraid to turn 18″, this is what she told our neighbor. I didn’t know realize that this is how she’s feeling about the impending year ahead, but I’m glad she was gutsy enough to say so in front of both of us. Honestly, that’s half the battle. Admitting how scary it is seems quite sane to me; so much is expected of kids at the end of their high school years. So many changes appear for them all in a row, and so few are truly ready to leave the nest, flap their wings, and fly on their own. Yet, that’s the expectation we put upon them.

My one wish for her is that she realizes we are always here – whether she’s 18 or 38. Our love is constant and we will always do our best to see her through anything she wants help navigating in life. Nothing is too small or too big; we’ll be here to listen and support her as long as she remembers that she has to reach out and let us know.

We love you Kat!

Animae Dementia: Mystical Paper Beasts Devour Unsuspecting Street Artists | Colossal.

Here’s the full article from the Washington Post

Chosen Autonomy

People who work for themselves often do so because they’re unable to work with others. The amount of compromise involved is not part of their make-up, it’s unnatural and they simply don’t like it. Nor do they think it’s something they should have to do. Ever. But when they’re “the Boss” they can push people around, yell at them, act uncivilly, disrespectfully and pretty much get away with it. Sure they may go through lots of employees, but they don’t care, in their mind those people are “dumb” for not listening and doing as they’re told.

Taking a Stand

Very few people stand up to volatile Boss types, especially Bosses who have a tendency toward temper tantrums. These Bosses also tend to have a low social IQ and don’t “get” turn taking and listening; everyone else is “dumb” except for them. God forbid. So, the smart employee sees very quickly that reasoning won’t work. They either have to stay and take it on the chin or leave and be free of it. Not a great way to manage or retain your employees.

Angry Boss

I found this article about Bully Bosses. It points out that the bullying is from deep seated feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. That rings true to my experience with these types. And there’s a tip to survive them in the short term which involves flattery. However, this only reinforces their “delusions of competence”, according to the article. Best suggestion? Go over their head or leave the job.

How Can a Bully Boss Change?

So, where does this leave the Bully Boss who reports to no one and can’t be fired? They will continue to thwart any kind of confrontation and will remain convinced that they know what’s best and everyone else is “stupid”.

Why do I care? You might ask. Well, I have at least two people like this in my life and their Bully Boss tendencies overlap into their personal relationships. Yet they see none of it. No amount of therapy seems to make a difference. To me, it all seems so needless.

10 things Bully Boss types should think about and do:

1. Take a good hard look in the mirror, look into your own eyes. Face yourself.
2. Be honest: take stock of the turmoil and chaos surrounding you.
3. Is this much chaos part of a normal existence?
4. Ask yourself: WHY am I so angry?
5. Is it about you or is it about them?
6. How would you feel if someone screamed at you all day the way you’re screaming at others?
7. Try living by the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
8. Allow others to speak and really listen to what they say. Don’t talk over them.
9. Avoid sarcasm when you’re feeling insecure, tired, or angry.
10. Offer empathy and help generously.

Be aware of your tendencies and strive to let go of anger and little things that set you off. Give yourself 30 days of this and see what changes for you. Is life a little more fun? Are people offering to help you now? Are they happy to see you each day? Are they letting you in on office secrets or private matters? How does it feel to have people around you, helping you, who really want to be there?

Think about it. Do you want more of this or do you want it to stop? The goodness can disappear as quickly as your temper can flare. Figure out what works best for you and stick with it. There’s a whole wide world out there.

But something took hold of me. I wiped the grime off my hands and cracked open the card.

I could not believe it.

FOUR handwritten pages of love from my mom! Beautifully written sentiments, but heart wrenching too. All the pain of my mother’s lawsuit and financial loss came back to me.  She lived and fought to give more to her friends and family until the day she died. I never took her expressions of unconditional love for granted, and now I have far too many people around me who don’t have a parent like she was to ever forget my good fortune.

But I have to admit that when things get really bad, and you have no family around you, you see other families that are angry, bitter, and even cruel to one another; it’s easy to question your memories and wonder if maybe things weren’t as rosy as you remembered. The cynicism seeps in, and can easily take over. I was in that place on this particular day, and I feel like my mom rescued me. She didn’t allow me to slip into a dark place and question her love. Her card and letter were ample proof of the love she gave me, and the best gift I could hope for.

I’m on a mission to photocopy the letter safely. In the meantime, it has been tucked away at my bedside to read before I fall asleep or start my day.

Thank you mom. I Love you!! xoxo

Photo of my mom with the letter and card (click to enlarge and read)

This clip is what Pockets of Sunshine is all about. It embodies the idea of living in the moment and appreciating all that life has to offer. I hope to start my days this week watching this to get my head set, open, and awake to possibilities.

But the real question is why? I’m sure we all have our own theories but “Miss Representation” gets at the heart of what’s happening in our culture, in the media, and how pervasive that influence is on girls and women. I can’t wait to see it. Check out the trailer and let me know what you think.